The Power of Intimacy: Nurturing Connection in Relationships

Intimacy is the foundation upon which strong and fulfilling relationships are built. It goes beyond the physical aspects and delves into the emotional, psychological, and spiritual realms of our connection with a partner. As psychotherapists, we understand the significance of intimacy and its role in fostering healthier and more satisfying relationships.

Richard G. Erskine, a renowned psychotherapist, once said, "Intimacy is not purely physical. It's the act of connecting with someone so deeply, you feel like you can see into their soul." This profound insight captures the essence of intimacy - a deep connection that transcends the surface and touches the core of our being. It's about truly seeing and understanding our partners on a level that goes beyond words.

In the words of Eric Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis, "Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with someone - and finding that that's ok with them." Berne's perspective emphasizes the importance of authenticity in intimacy. It's about being our true selves, even in our quirks and vulnerabilities, and finding acceptance and love from our partners.

Understanding Intimacy: Intimacy is the deep sense of closeness and vulnerability shared between two individuals. It is about being open, honest, and authentic with one another, creating a safe space where both partners can express their true selves without fear of judgment. As Erskine noted, "Intimacy requires courage because risk is inescapable."

I will at this point state that intimacy can be very challenging and uncomfortable. All of our buried self-concepts get in the way and sabotage our attempts and strivings for true love and intimacy.

Claud Steiner (1974), referred to the Life Script (which he delineated into three types See notes) as ‘Basic Training in Life’ This involves a systematic attack on Three Primary Human Potentials:

Intimacy – Giving and receiving of human love (Negative modelling or injunctions etc around closeness and love)

Awareness – Capacity to understand the world and it’s people. (You are not angry, this is how things are)

Sponteneity – The capacity for joy and free expression. (Behave yourself/ don’t make a fuss)

The Different Dimensions of Intimacy:

Berne's concept of "strokes" aligns with the different dimensions of intimacy. Physical intimacy involves nurturing touches and affectionate gestures that communicate love and care. Emotional intimacy, as Berne put it, is "when two people say, 'I love you' and mean it." This type of intimacy involves sharing feelings and creating a deep emotional connection.

Building Intimacy: Cultivating intimacy requires effort and commitment from both partners. Effective communication, as Erskine highlighted, is the bridge to intimacy. It involves active listening, empathy, and vulnerability. Sharing our innermost thoughts and feelings, as Berne suggested, leads to a richer connection: "The moment a little boy is concerned with which is a jay and which is a sparrow, he can no longer see the birds or hear them sing."

Overcoming Barriers to Intimacy:

Both Erskine and Berne acknowledge that past experiences can hinder intimacy. Berne's concept of "life scripts" underscores how our past influences our present relationships. Overcoming these barriers requires introspection, as Erskine states, "True intimacy is based on a solid sense of self."

The Benefits of Intimacy:

Intimacy brings an array of benefits, resonating with Berne's idea that "we are born princes and the civilizing process makes us frogs." It transforms us, offering emotional security, improved communication skills, and a deep bond. As Erskine eloquently puts it, "Intimacy develops through shared experience and then sustained through ongoing relationship."

Seeking Professional Support:

Both Erskine and Berne advocate seeking professional help when needed. Berne's encouragement to "gather strokes" emphasizes the importance of seeking support and connection. Psychotherapy, in line with Erskine's view, provides a structured environment to explore barriers and develop deeper intimacy.

In conclusion, intimacy, is about authentic connection, vulnerability, and acceptance. I encourage couples to embrace the wisdom of these insights, nurturing their intimacy and building relationships that thrive on genuine connection. Remember, true intimacy is a journey of growth and self-discovery that leads to profound emotional fulfilment.

There are indefinitely growing pains along the way as we can experience repressed parts of ourselves mirrored back to us by our partner(s).

Intimacy has both light and dark shades. The most intimate experience can be in a heated argument or fight and winning and responsible relationship will show interest in this opportunity for deeper relating and expanding the depth of contact, vulnerability and fully knowing of the self and other.

It isn’t easy, takes time and above all, kindness, with the courage to be vulnerable and IN the relationship.

Notes

Steiner (1974) defined scripts as Joyless, Loveless and Mindless.

Joyless – Has no joy, and is often involved in drug addiction. There is a reliance on drugs for the production of desired bodily feelings and well-being. Injunctions prevent experience of bodies and emotions (e.g. with a headache will ask  “where is the aspirin?” not “why have I got a headache?). Sensations are medicated away or passively tolerated. Good sensations are not indulged in. They are disconnected from their bodies, out of touch with good and bad, and live in head.
They know what is good/bad for them but block their core selves, they are scripted to ignore their own counsel and shut off from body. Yet this is not completely so (e.g. will notice if they burn their hand). Many people completely ignore their bodies sometimes even feeling burdened by them.
Drugs restore the connection with body and needs for a short period of time. Yet the side effects are they then need more of the drug to connect again.
Shut off from pleasure and pain, can be exploited by business (e.g. stressful work situations or the tobacco industry), learning  to bear pain without complaint, with bodies adapted to pain, splitting the body from the head.
 

Loveless – Often depressed (Steiner suggests this is seen more in women). A lack of strokes lead to chronic stroke hunger and varying degrees of depression - suicide is the extreme form. Early injunctions cripple the child’s skill for getting strokes – they feel unloved or unlovable. They need to learn about how they discount strokes and allow them in – the stroke economy
Stroke satisfaction is the antidote

Mindless – This person fears going crazy, and in extreme cases does. They have no capacity to cope with the world, and feel that they have no control over their lives, have no will power, are lazy, indecisive, and are stupid or crazy. Early injunctions attack child’s capacity to think and figure things out in the world – thus they developed a discounted adult.
They were told they can’t understand, or that they do not know what they know – i.e. that their intuition is wrong. Intuition is often discounted in men and logic discounted in woman.
They can also discount emotions, and rationality.
The antidote is not to discount and allow rational thinking.